“Everything is learning.”

That’s one of my glib little catch-phrases that helps me deal with life (a friend once said: “experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want”). I can get lost in words and thoughts, so it’s helpful for me to have succinct pre-made mantras to keep me grounded, or at least as grounded as I ever get.

It’s very obvious to me that I’ve learned a lot in the last few years, and that I learned a lot during my relationship with Tim. I’m sure I’ll still be processing a lot of those lessons for quite some time to come. I’m certainly not going to detail everything I’ve learned here, as a lot of it is private and a lot of it is stuff that’s in process.

There are some simple lessons, that are just general things like when someone says “I don’t know” I need to take that as if they had said “no.” When I was little, and ~very~ spoiled, “I don’t know” usually meant that I could still get my way. As adults it seems like we’ll tell each other “I don’t know” in order to save each others feelings. So, just to save myself and others stress and miscommunication, “I don’t know” will now be “no” as far as I’m concerned.

I also learned how strong I really am. Sure, it took me a while to build up to it, and afterwards I wished there was some other way, but I actually broke up with someone. This is the first time I’ve ever broken up with anyone. Last year I finally figured out that being single wasn’t the worst thing in the world; it’s still not my preferred state, but being single won’t kill me. In the past I would get in relationships and cling as long as I could, which meant that I would cling beyond the point that the relationship was obviously over, and the other person would be forced to break up with me. I don’t feel that way anymore; being single is better than being in a relationship that isn’t working, and a relationship doesn’t have to be awful for it to not be working.

I’ve learned about what I need and want in a relationship. The easiest is, of course, no long-distance relationships; I need my partner present in my life in a way that isn’t possible from a tremendous distance. There’s other stuff, too, but I feel like this is the stuff that is no one’s business but mine (wow, a boundary, maybe I learned more than I thought).

I’ve also learned a lot about myself and my process. I know most of this won’t be shocking, but I want to write it down anyway. I am melodramatic. I like being melodramatic; or, perhaps, being melodramatic works for me. I’ve experimented with relaxation and hypnosis and buddhism and all that stuff and it just doesn’t work for me in the same way that a five-alarm freak-out does. It’s not like I break things or scream, though I do become very emotional and I project that emotion forcefully. Just as when I am happy I glow and spread joy and light everywhere I go, so too when I’m in a dark place I can spread gloom around me. So, as much as being melodramatic works for me, I need to be aware that some people will be overwhelmed by my melodrama.

I’ve also learned that I’ll be fine. Life is up and down; I probably take those ups and downs to extremes, but I need to remember that in the end , even with the ups and downs, I’ll be okay; no matter how sad I ever am, I believe that I will be ever happier in the future.

I’ve learned ever more about the ends of relationships. I had planned to be in New Jersey this whole week during Tim’s vacation. Needless to say, I stayed home. That’s always been hard for me at the end of relationships – adjusting my plans of the future to accept the new reality. Tim and I had lots of things planned for this week, and even the coming months, and I have to accept that they won’t happen. I need to realize that the fantasies I had created in my mind were only one possible outcome for my life, and by no means the only way I can be happy.

I’ve also remembered things about being single, though this is the first time in my life I’ve been single with a vulva. It’s the same and very different at the same time. For the first time in my life my body makes sense and I get to date people to explore that body. I’m excited about that in a way that even I find surprising. I’m sure there’ll be more on this in the coming weeks and months as I start dating again, but I did want to point out how different this feels than the last time I was single. Of course, I still must deal with issues of disclosure and safety, but now that my body is congruous that feels so much less daunting and oppressive. I have lots of thoughts on what/how/when disclosure means to me now and how it might work, but I’ll save them for later.

On the light-hearted level, I realized at some point that I have to start carrying condoms again; that perhaps feels weirdest of all.