Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Crushes

It occurred to me the other day that this was my first summer without a partner since 1993 (I got together with my ex directly out of my previous relationship).

No wonder being single feels so foreign. (not really “bad,” just really weird) I guess I’m very out of practice at being on my own.

Another thing that I’ve been realizing gradually is that I don’t think I know anyone that I’m really attracted to. (I’m starting to think maybe I am “picky,” as someone I used to know dubbed me.) I know no one that I get that special vibe about. I was probably very lucky to go right from one special person to the next eleven years ago. It does seem kind of weird to look around and not see anyone that tickles my fancy, though.

It’s a very strange realization. I do wonder whether I’m being unrealistic or just overly fussy. Maybe seeing no one as the right fit for me is just a way of protecting myself and giving myself time to be on my own for a while.

Perhaps I’m just still in a healing mode. I know that I’m a little leery about letting myself get into a serious relationship before I have surgery. It seems like a big change to ask someone to ride through with me (I have experience with changes in this area creating problems in relationships, so … ). Of course, I do believe that the truly right special person would be able to handle that particular change.

This is also the first time in my life that I feel pretty okay being on my own. It’s not my first choice, but life totally rocks. I am not worthless simply because I’m single (a belief that I held for most of my life). It is taking a little time to get used to that feeling; it just feels so different. I would like to share my life with a partner, but my life is full and valuable and amazing right now as it is. Having someone to share it with is much more about something I would like as opposed to something I need (whoa, that’s heavy).

One thing I have been doing, is having little crushes on people that I do know. The interesting thing is that these crushes are on people that I have laundry lists detailing why a real relationship with them would be a bad idea. I’m kind of looking at these crushes as practice. Another point worth noting is that it’s always a guy friend, I have yet to have a crush on a girlfriend. Hmm… Sometimes I catch myself flirting with these guys, and I wonder if they notice it and if they realize that I’m flirting with them. I don’t think so, as my flirting style tends to be pretty shy and subtle, but who knows. Maybe I’m clumsily and obviously flirting with my friends and leaving them wondering what the fuck is going on.

The crushes seem pretty short-lived, which sort of seems to reinforce the “they’re just practice” theory.

I guess I’m still a little defensive with actually letting my heart think that way, too. I’m sort of feeling like it makes sense to let someone else make the first move (my “flirting” notwithstanding), for lots of reasons, not the least of which being that I’m very bad at picking up on the signals that people give off when they’re attracted to me. I’m also kind of feeling like a relationship would complicate my life right now at a time when my life is already pretty confusing and even more chaotic than usual.

Though I am meeting new people all the time (I’ve never met so many new people in my entire life as I have this one year), so I feel pretty confident that I’m doing the right things to find that next special person in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll even notice them, though. I guess I will when I’m truly ready.

None of this is bad or making me feel sad, it’s just kind of stuff I wanted to write about to kind of work it out in my head.

I feel really good, and I feel really proud of myself for being in the headspace that I’m in. The relationship thing is just something I do think about, and the crushes (which have been on mildly surprising people to me) have just sort of confused me a bit.

I feel like I’m brand new to relationships, and like I have to learn all the rules all over again, and like I have to figure the types of people that I’m attracted to all over again, and like I have to decipher when people are or aren’t into me all over again, and like I have to grasp the physical aspects of relationships all over again.

For the most part I’m finding it fun and challenging and exciting as opposed to terrifying.

Damn, but life is an interesting ride, eh?

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