Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Archive for November 12, 2008

Things Never Imagined

In just about 100 days I will go under the knife and have my genitals rearranged into their proper, vaginal, orientation.

My surgeon’s office called yesterday to confirm the date for my Genital Reconstruction Surgery (GRS).  The date is February 24th, 2009.

And it hit me like a wave crashing over me.

It’s real.

It’s actually happening.

The money seems like it’ll work itself out; my weight is not great but acceptable; all the questions of whether this was the right course for my life are an amazingly faint and distant memory; my “real life test,” if it ever were really such a thing, goes brilliantly; and I feel as ready as I suspect anyone could possibly feel for this major change.

I have always wanted this.

Deep down in the darkest, most-hidden, safest parts of my soul I have always wanted this.

I learned when I was very young not only that I had to keep this desire a secret from everyone (even myself most of the time), but also that this was a wish, a yearning that would never be fulfilled; my dream to be the girl on the outside that I knew myself to be on the inside was a dream that I never let myself express; I knew it would remain a forever unanswered prayer.

So I set about the business of living the best life I could, trapped in this incorrect shell. I tried to think of my malformed body as little I could; when I truly pondered my physical state it brought only confusion, frustration, anger, and depression.

I think I did a pretty good job of accepting the fact that I would be stuck with the wrong body for my whole life.

As far as ever having the correct body I had given up hope.

Then, about five years ago, I started down a path that forced me to examine all of the deepest parts of my psyche. Gradually I learned that I could live as the woman I am. Finally I decided that the right course was for me to schedule GRS and finally have the body I had always felt denied. My surgeon had a thirteen-month waiting period at the time (I think it’s around 18 months now), so I made an appointment this past January for my surgery coming up in February.

Every step of the way this has felt more “real;” it’s been a very long way since “this is something that will never happen for you so you should just forget about it and live the best life you can” was how my brain saw things.

Yesterday was another step in accepting the reality that this is happening.

35 years of convincing yourself that the thing you want most in the world to make you feel whole will be forever denied you creates a certain persistence of thought. Realizing that your wildest dream is coming true is really quite amazing.

And I still have steps to go, but it’s all happening so fast now. By my birthday (March 13th) I will have my new body.

I have tried at times to downplay how important surgery is to me – IT’S FUCKING HUGE! It means so much, and it means so much that no one ever thinks about (I can change my birth certificate after surgery – how awesome is that? Up until surgery I still have a freakin’ “M” on my driver’s license – how horrible is that?). And yet, of course, my amazing life is what really matters; surgery at this point is almost like the icing on the cake, but it is so symbolic of what the last five years have meant for me.

I’ve been trying all day to find an appropriate analogy, but all I can say is that I believed for so long that this would never happen, that I would be trapped inside the wrong body forever.

But nope, I was wrong – for all that time; not only ~can~ this happen, it ~is~ happening.

I’m gradually getting used this wonderous world I live in full of lovely and magical surprises.

{and no, it still hasn’t ~totally~ sunk in yet – I figure it will some time after surgery}

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