Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

The Dysphoria is Totally Getting Worse

I’m assuming that it’s happening because I’m getting closer to surgery, but my body dysphoria is getting really bad. I was never happy with my body (duh, right? that’s sort of one of the main parts of being transgendered), but I was often able to sort of not dwell on how much my body was just ~wrong~. Lately it’s been getting harder and harder to pretend that I’m not horrified by my own body.

When I pee I’ve been having one of two reactions, either I am annoyed and very disturbed by what I find in my panties, or I start singing the “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” song (I have to be in a light-hearted mood for that one). I can’t wait to have the correct body; I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: if you were born with correct crotch, you have no idea how lucky you are.

Lastly, I’ve always been pretty horny, which as you might imagine can cause all sorts of issues when you hate your genitals. I lived in complete repression for so long that I was able to at least enjoy the sensations involved even if I wasn’t always fully pleased with the parts involved. Lately, though, I can’t even think about it. I had gradually reduced how often any sort of sexual activity was happening (either solo or with a partner) even before; recently what was happening was that I would wait till I just couldn’t wait anymore, and then I would give in. For the last several weeks, though, I can’t even think of touching myself (T and I haven’t seen each other since New Year’s, so no one else has touched me either). I have been horny as hell, but all that happens if I even think about acting on those feelings is that I think: “YUCK!”

Two weeks from Tuesday and I can stop being grossed out by my own body; thank god – it’s about time.

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4 Comments»

  Corrvin wrote @

I know it’s not at all the same, but I spent years being horrified and disturbed a few days a month myself. I’m still horrified at times, but occasionally in an amusing way. At least you only have two weeks left, right, not 20+ years? (My great-grandmother was in her 60’s when she went through “the change.”)

  pickypenelope wrote @

I did have 36 years of repressed horror before now, though; and now 3 years of fully-aware horror. But I understand your point; I’m certainly well aware that folks numerous and diverse have body issues. Body issues suck.

  Amanda wrote @

I definitely get “fed up” with being a woman sometimes… but, I also end up being glad again at some point. I can’t imagine what you’ve been/are going through. But it’s SO almost over! 🙂

  Liz wrote @

I am happy for you!!! You know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Return safely hon!


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