Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Archive for March 17, 2009

Sinking In…

I have a vagina.

I have a vagina.

I.

Have.

A.

Vagina.

It’s been three weeks since ~the surgery~ that transformed my body into what it should have been all along. It’s gradually sinking in that I have the correct parts. Having spent 38 years with parts that were just wrong was exhausting. One of the biggest differences I’ve noticed since surgery is that the noise in my brain is gone; there was always a gnawing, nagging awareness deep down in my soul that something was very wrong; it has just evaporated. It’s been interesting getting used to this feeling. I can’t think of an analogy that feels right; I just feel ~right~, calm and peaceful in a way that I never have before.

Before surgery I tried to keep everything in perspective; I knew that surgery in and of itself doesn’t really change your life. And yet it seems like if anything I underestimated the importance of surgery. Now that I’m on the other side it’s surprising how different I feel. I look at my body and I can just smile. The change is more profound and inexplicable than I could have imagined. How many different ways can I say that having the correct body feels amazing? And the interesting thing has been that having a vagina feels wonderful, but ~not~ having a penis feels equally good. Yay.

As far as healing, it goes well. The swelling has gone down gradually, though my left labia remains larger than the right. The suture line that opened on my left labia seems to be healing from the inside out, which is pretty much what I expected it to do; there is very little blood or discharge. My clitoral area is still very numb, but seems to be healing well. Dilating is easy but boring and takes forever (my therapist joked that I’m making up for all the tampons I never had to use – ha!). Overall, considering that surgery was almost exactly three weeks ago, I think I’m more healed than I expected to be at this point.

I have a vagina.

Wow.

I had to work really hard to get here, but I was right: having the correct crotch is something truly special.

I.have.a.vagina.

Hooray!

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