Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

I still hate the “N”-word, and yet…

I’ve never been a big fan of the word “normal.” I felt for so long that it was used against me in a way to be specifically hurtful. I was called a lot of names which all had as their underlying meaning: “not normal.” (some of those, of course, were “weird,” “freak,” “strange,” and on and on – always compared to “normal,” which meant the way people should be)

And then, I think late last year, while I was chatting with someone I said something about just being a “normal girl with a penis.” And then, after I had surgery, anything that I had ever felt about being a freak, or strange, or abnormal melted away pretty quickly (most of that baggage was long gone by then anyway). I feel so bloody “normal” at this point it’s almost strange.

I’ve realized that so much of what made me feel outside of “normal” in the past was trying to live the wrong life, and at this point it seems even more specifically – having the wrong body (I think at some point I joked that all that time I had thought I was a “weird” and it turned out that I was just a woman).

I understand how limited language is when trying to describe elements of human feelings, which compounds the problem.

So, I guess I actually think of myself as normal at this point, yet I still dislike that word. It was used for so long in a fairly intentional way to cause me pain, and it is still used in that way to cause people I love pain.

Words are weird, and I have always tried my best to recognize intent and context when speaking with people. I still rankle at the word “normal,” though, even though it seems I am.

very strange

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3 Comments»

  me wrote @

Is “rankle” a word? hehehehehe, seriously i’ve never heard it.

Random and atypical are such bullshit terms.
The only reason i’ve ever seen that people have for categorizing someone or some thing, is so they can measure them selves against it. “Am I above, on the level or beneath this person?” I used to be way more guilty of that myself in the past. It can be so incredibly subtle and for something that appears to be of small importance……. I can only hope to grow.

  pickypenelope wrote @

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rankle

The thing is, sometimes it’s necessary to speak of a members of a group or class as opposed to people that are not members of the group or class. It’s why we have “homosexual/heterosexual” (and yes, nowadays “bisexual” and “pansexual” as well). If we’re talking about women of transsexual history, it sometime becomes important to set up the two groups “women who have suffered from transsexualism/women who have not suffered from transsexualism.” The words that seem to be working at the moment are “transsexual/cissexual,” though there is much gnashing of teeth at the moment about that one.

The importance of shunning the word normal is when it is used as a club to pound people over the head (such as “transsexual/normal” – that ain’t gonna work for me).

At the same time, as I said in the post, language has always been over-valued to me and intent is far more important than specific words…

  me wrote @

What I was saying, is that all of us are connected in our behaviors. I think i better explain it on the FB page 🙂


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