Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Archive for July, 2009

No Slack Anymore

It’s always amazing to me how human relationships work, and then don’t work.

It’s funny how when you love someone things are easy to overlook or put the best face on; whereas once things end it’s easy to see things in the worst possible way.

It’s too bad, I guess, but then I guess it’s just part of how human relationships work, with a beginning, middle, and end, and all that.

It’s that whole “love and hate” are two sides of the same emotion. It takes a while before the emtions can settle down enough to think clearly (at least for me).

Just like I’ve never been able to completely pinpoint ~why~ I’ve been in love with someone, I’ve never fully understood why when the love ends there is so much anger. Compromise and understanding are replaced with bitterness, frustration and even suspicion.

Like I said the other day, I don’t really have a problem with people thinking I’m crazy or over emotional; I spent way too much of my life burying emotions. I am who I am. It’s funny how perceptions can change even about things like that; before I was emotional and full of life and experiencing things passionately – now I’m crazy. Oh well.

I know it’s part of the whole “to everything there is a seaon” thing, and that when a relationship dies there is pain involved, I guess I just wish, in my typical little Pollyanna way, that the two halves of the former couple could do things right for each other, and help each other get over the breakup. But, I suppose, if the relationship was working that smoothly and both halves of the couple were doing such a good job at caring for each other, maybe the relationship wouldn’t have ended in the first place.

It’s just sad…

Love Lessons from Valeria

I re-watched Conan The Barbarian the other day. I’m such a geek; I ~so~ love that movie. But a line stuck out at me: Conan is close to death, and his love interest says this to him:

Valeria: All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I’d come back from the darkness. Back from the pit of hell to fight at your side.

And that’s the kind of love I feel, and that I want to feel. I accept that some people have a more detached and rational way of being in love, but I don’t understand it. This quote is what love is for me, and describes what kind of love I need from someone else…

I’m tired of making apologies for being emotional and sensitive and hyper and intense; I effin’ rock.

Learning on the Beach

My brain is busy enough and fragmented enough that I can be making out with a guy on the beach with jazz music playing in the background having a pretty nice time, and still be thinking and processing. I’m complicated, what can I say?

So, anyway, yea, two first dates with two new guys in the last two days. I’m not gonna blab too much (for a change) other than to say they both went well, and I think if either of them asked me out again I’d probably go out with each of them.

But what’s most interesting is how helpful going out with guys is in helping me figure out what I really want and what is truly important to me.

Already I’ve met guys whom I have a lot in common with, and can have fun with. I know it’s silly, but every time I find myself single, I worry about ever finding someone that will be special again. I don’t think I’ve found the next special person yet (I usually know ~very~ quickly who’ll be special), but I’ve done it several times in the past, so it’s important for me to remember that it’ll happen again.

I don’t think I’m over my recent breakup; though I’m not sure exactly what that means, because I’m not certain that I’m over my divorce. I think I could be open to meeting a new special man, but until then I won’t be surprised if I pine a bit over the last special man.

So, thoughts:

I am super-excitable. If I fall for someone I will be overwhelming. The day after I met my last boyfriend I told my mom that I had “met my husband.” I was excited, and even though we never did end up getting married, I stand by that statement. I don’t think I would ever want to date someone who in the first few days I couldn’t picture being married to. Yes, I’m impulsive, and I make snap decisions, but it’s more than that – it’s about potential. If I can’t picture myself potentially married to someone, why would I want to waste any time with them?

I believe in love. Strongly. Passionately. Fully. I’ve been burned by love more than once, yet I remain as innocently sure that love is pure magic as I’ve ever been. Love is all there is, and I mean that in the best way possible. When I am in love with someone I will give them every last ounce of my soul. Just that very fact might be too much for some people to handle (I think it was too much for my last boyfriend, honestly), but I have no interest in loving any other way.

I need to be able to have fun with someone before my heart will become the slightest bit interested. There must be a playful ease in pretty much every type of communication, from being able to be very jokey to being very natural physically. I think this might be the most important component, actually. If you aren’t having fun together, why the hell would you be together?

My first dance at my wedding was “All I Ask of You” from Phantom of the Opera. The premise of the song is “love me, that’s all I ask of you.” I think the line from the song that most describes what I believe about love is this: “Anywhere you go let me go too.” The reason I broke up with my last boyfriend is that he wouldn’t let me go where he was (that’s it in a nutshell, I wanted to be with him, and he didn’t want me to be). If I love someone I will want to be with them – a lot, and I need someone who will feel the same way. Pretty much whatever it takes, within a certain amount of reason, to be together is what I will do, and is what I require in return.

I’ve realized that how someone smells has become extremely important to me. I’m not sure if it’s really more important than it used to be, although it does feel that way. My sense of smell seems to have gotten more sensitive in the last few years, and I really notice how people smell nowadays. I can still smell people days later, so it’s clear why appreciating someones aroma would be important.

I’m pretty flexible in terms of physical appearance. Eyes and eye contact are very important. Teeth must be reasonable (one of my few deal-breakers is gross teeth). I really prefer people who displace more mass than I do; taller than me is super-awesome, but “bigger” than me is bordering on essential. That seems like it (see, I told you it was pretty flexible).

Life gives you what it will. I thought I would be married forever, and I certainly thought my last relationship would last much longer than it did. But both of those relationships ended, and other relationships I’ve been involved in have ended, and I still believe in being open for the new loves that will come into my life. I learned a long time ago: no guarantees. I’d like to get married again and I’d love to have at least one child, but life doesn’t really care what you want, you take what you get and you run with it and cherish it, because you only get about a hundred years (if you’re lucky), and that’s not very much time to waste not being engaged in your life.

I’m learning that I like folks that are at least a little aggressive physically. I’m pretty passionate, and I’d like to feel like my partner is as into it as I am, perhaps even more so. Sex isn’t the most important thing in the world to me, but it is the thing that sets a “lover” relationship apart from other relationships. So, yea, I’m horny, and sex is important. So sue me.

I’m feeling better about myself all the way around, which is really nice. I’ve had enough time in my life feeling like crap, I’m tired of it.

As a student of mine once said: “Growth is frustrating.”

Get that soldering iron away from my crotch!

I’ve mentioned a few times that one of the issues I had after my surgery was some granulation tissue right at my vaginal opening. It wasn’t all that painful, but it was annoying and emmitted a fair amount of near-constant puss-like discharge. There was quite a bit, actually; the doc said that it was a lot.

So, today I had the appointment with the local surgeon to have the granulation tissue removed. When I saw him a month ago, he had used the word “cauterize.” Now, I know that cauterizing something involves heat, but I suppose I wasn’t fully prepared for the procedure. I was definitely nervous, but I guess I wasn’t ready for how much it felt like minor surgery. I was brought into the room and laid on a bed and had myself up in stirrups.

They covered my face with a sheet, I think as a sanitary procedure, and then the doctor came in. He gave me a shot of lidocaine in each side of the vaginal opening, and essentially used a high-tech soldering iron. The pain wasn’t that bad, but the smell was nauseating; burning flesh is never a good smell, when it’s your own, and it’s your own vagina, it’s down-right awful. There was some stinging and pulling, and this was definitely the roughest anyone has been with my new parts (I’m still pretty gentle with them). The sound wasn’t great either, sounding sort of like an electronic buzzing sound. It was over in less than fifteen minutes. I’d say the pain was maybe a three or a four, but the stress of the experience was probably more like a five or a six.

So, that’s over with. I now basically have two burn wounds at my vaginal opening. The surgeon said that new skin should grow over them and that I should go back to see him in two weeks so he can check and see how everything is doing. More importantly, he said that tomorrow I could take a bath and soak – yay!

[fyi: I don’t feel like posting this surgeon’s name in my blog. If you’re in the Boston, MA area and you’re in need of a surgeon who is familiar with surgically-constructed vaginae, please contact me and I’ll forward his info.]

Boston, You’re My Home

I’ve mentioned before how much I love Boston, but tonight I think I need to buy the city a Thank You card or something; I feel like tonight my town held me and hugged me when I really needed it.

So, yea, I love Boston. I grew up here; I love the vibe; I love the energy; I love the “live and let live” attitude; I love the symphony; I love the Esplinade; on and on…

Three weeks ago when I marched in the Pride Parade, I raved about how warm and friendly and positive my city really is. The people were just amazing. It was an experience I will never forget.

This week I had planned on being in New Jersey, spending time with my now ex-boyfriend. It’s been a weird week. And this weekend, of course, we had planned on being together for July 4th. Needless to say, none of what I thought was going to happen this week did. It was a week that I hadn’t expected. I knew the 4th of July, specifically, was going to be tough. I was worried about fireworks and romantic thoughts, and all that.

So, to sort of break the spell, I saw the fireworks in Stoughton last night with mom. They were great for a smallish town. They lasted just about 30 minutes, and were very cool. Unfortunately, my fears were realized and I found myself missing my ex-boyfriend, and getting pretty damned sad about the whole thing.

Undeterred, I knew that I had to keep the plans that I had made with Jayme to see the fireworks in Boston this evening. I haven’t seen the fireworks display in Boston since my mom took me when I was little. If you don’t know, the fireworks display in Boston is one of, if not ~the~ best in the country. It’s a matter of great pride for the city, so I knew it would be special.

Jayme got there a little before me, I think I arrived around 3:30. We got a great spot right along the Charles river looking right at the barge where the fireworks would be launched. So we chatted and hung out and waited. We talked about stuff going on with both of us, and even though we both have reasons to be stressed, we enjoyed the day quite a bit.

Finally, a bit after 10:00 PM, the fireworks show began.

They were amazing. When I was little I liked fireworks, and then I grew away from them for quite a while. Well, I’m back full-force. Between the show last night, and the dazzling display I witnessed tonight, I’d say I love fireworks all over again. I saw colors I had never seen in fireworks before, shapes I never imagined possible simply with exploding powder, and control and precision that just astounded me. I gasped and ooh’ed and ah’ed in the perfunctory way. It was truly special. It was beautiful and lovely.

To channel Dom Delouise for a moment: “Ooo, a sparklie.”  🙂

I almost backed out of today, but I knew it would be good for me to go, and it was better than I had hoped. Being out in the sun (yes, sun!) for a few hours and hanging with Jayme and celebrating America’s birthday in such explosive fashion was a salve for my soul. I needed today. I’m incredibly glad I went. I bet I’ll go again next year. It was awesome.

And so, yet again, I love my town. It sparkled glitter all over me tonight and made me smile. Thank you Boston!

And Happy Birthday America!

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