Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Archive for August 11, 2009

Life makes liars of us all


So, I have no idea what to write here, but there’s something I need to say…

Looking back through the glasses of three years of living the proper life, and five years of therapy, it might seem easy for me to say “oh, and I wanted to be a mommy so I kept my wrong parts and tried to find another woman who’d have a baby with me.”

That’s obviously not how it happened, though.

I was an incredibly depressed, repressed, and confused person in the “before time.” It’s not like I set out with a plan to keep my penis and testicle to hunt down a willing woman to have a child with. I was a mess. I was boderline agoraphobic for years. I was suicidal. I wanted to be a mommy. I did not want to be a daddy. I felt that if I was my true self that everyone in my life would abandon me and leave me completely isolated. I was struggling with my transsexualism. I had severe anxiety. I couldn’t ~do~ anything. I was a pretty broken and non-functional person for just about my entire twenties and into my thirties.

Looking back now, it might seem easy and obvious when I say “I wanted to be Wonder Woman;” “I had a crush on John Cusack;” “I wanted to be a mommy.” But the truth is that each of those revelations took tons of work and only now are starting to become clear. The realization process sort of happens like a flash – I might be talking about something and I’ll realize “OMG! ~THAT’S~ why I did that, or thought that.”

If I couldn’t even fully process my transsexualism, which is the core of every other problem, how could I have processed anything else?

And, it’s possibly even worse to think what would have happened if I ~had~ been the sperm donor of a child. Would I have ~ever~ transitioned? It certainly would have been much more difficult. I expect I would have buried everything that much further, and who knows, maybe all those suicidal thoughts would have finally become reality. It is incredibly heartbreaking for me to say that it’s probably for the best that I never managed to have a baby with another woman, but I can recognize that it is probably for the best. I never wanted to be a father.

Dredging this stuff up is very difficult work, but I think it’s important for me to process my past if I am to have a truly healthy and happy future. Trying to learn about myself and my previous trauma and issues I believe is invaluable when it comes to moving forward as an effective human being, both for myself as well as those who deal with me.

And it certainly doesn’t help trying to process this stuff while at the same time trying to live an active and engaged life. Past and present blur sometimes, and then it can really get tricky.

I think the only thing worse than knowing how messed up I was and having had to live through that is knowing that my issues spilled onto the person who, to this day, remains the person who has been the single most important person in my entire life. I wish I knew how to make amends, I wish I could wave my magic wand, at the very least I wish I could stop adding new pain.


I wish I knew how to make it right…

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