Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Archive for August 13, 2009

Inconsistent Tranny

How the hell am I supposed to insist that people don’t use the word “tranny” when I come to a queer space and they toss it around like drunken sailors?

Could we at least decide whether it’s a horrible word or not, please?

And none of this shit about “well, we can use it but ~cisgender~ people can’t.” That is hypocritical bullshit.

guh

It is interesting how alienated and unwelcome I often feel in queer spaces – I’m really such a normal little straight girl nowadays…

Debriefing NiceGuyStanding

I spent most of last weekend with NiceGuyStanding, and I had a really good time (we spent last night together too, but that’s a different story…). Spending so much time together, I found myself wanting to talk with him more about my history and how he felt about the way I had disclosed my history of transsexualism and such.

One thing that came out was that after our first date a few weeks ago, he had recognized that it was possible that I was a transsexual. I suppose I have mixed feelings about this. I like to think I blend perfectly nowadays, so it’s a little weird to have someone be able to pick up on my history. Yet, he said that he wasn’t sure, but thought it was a possibility, so there’s that. And, it did give him time to ask himself some questions about how he would feel if it were true before we even had the discussion.

So, when we did have the discussion about my history last week, he was a little prepared for it, which answers a lot of questions I had about the way the conversation went.

The thing he said that I liked a lot was that he sees me as a woman and he likes women, so, there you go.

I asked him how he felt about the timing of my disclosure. I felt this was especially important because on our first date we had kissed quite a bit. I’ve thought about my boundaries a lot, and I feel that kissing someone does not necessarily mean that they have a right to know my medical history. So, I did and I will kiss someone before I disclose my past. I do, however, think that if I intend on having any sort of contact with someone beyond kissing (assuming that it is more than a one-night-stand), it’s important that they know about my history before that intimacy. So, I had told him after we kissed, but before we did anything more intimate. I was glad that he said that he did not feel lied to or deceived. It seems like he recognizes my position and thinks I handled things with sincerity and respect, which is exactly what I’m going for.

It was an interesting conversation, and I learned a lot about myself and the way I see myself continuing to interact with the world. I reiterate my complete understanding and support of people who live in a more discreet way than me (“stealth”). Yet, I also know that being open about my history remains important to me. I feel like I gained a lot of confidence the way things have gone so far, and no matter what happens from here on out, this has been very good.

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