Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Hostessing My Ex’s Baby Shower

So, today was my ex’s baby shower. She’s due toward the end of November. As you might imagine, it was a very interesting day. I am exhausted, but I wanted to write while so much is still fresh in my mind.

First off – ~*WOW*~ I.Want.A.Baby.

There were three babies there, and they were all absolutely adorable. I got to hold my ex’s nephew for quite a while, who is about four months old, and even fed him twice. My very first girlfriend, way back when I was 18, had a one month-old when we started dating. We were together for about seven or eight months. I changed more diapers than she did, and I was the one most often relegated to middle-of-the-night duty. I’m out of practice, but wow holding a baby is just about the most incredible thing there is. I’m aware of the messy and sleepless parts of the process, and God I miss it. Feeding my ex’s nephew just reinforced in my head how special all those little people are (as if I needed to be reminded). I would give anything, ~anything~, to have a baby of my own. If I could trade my drumming for a baby, I wouldn’t even think twice. Anything.

It was great to see my ex-mother-in-law. She and I had a really nice talk and it was amazing to interact with her as a not-depressed person. I haven’t seen her in over three years, and talking with her just made it so clear how much I’ve changed. We were talking about before my transition, when my ex and I were still together, and she said that she knew I was a very confused person (yea, to put it mildly!). I’ve been wanting to see her for a while now, because I always thought she was cool, and I missed her, so it was great to see her. [My ex-mother-in-law has the distinction of being the first person to ~really~ realize that I needed to take hormones and fully transition. It’s sort of ironic, that…]

So, yea, my ex is having a baby. And it’s awesome. I’m trying hard to see the other side, and feel the sadness at the fact that she and I never had kids together as well as how sort of front-and-center my best friend’s pregnancy sort of forces me to consider my own infertility. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m exhausted, or I’m lost in the joy of the day, or because I’m smart enough to realize that it’s probably just as well that my ex and I didn’t have kids together (it only would have ~really~ complicated the divorce – even though I’m not saying it’s not a “loss,” if my ex and I had managed to have  kids, they would have been an amazing blend of genes and would have kicked serious ass), and I also seem to be able to really ~get~, at this moment, that just because my best friend is about to have a baby, that doesn’t mean that I won’t have a baby at some point.

Am I jealous?

Well, d’uh, right?

And yet, I’m also about as happy for her as I could be for anybody. As long as I’ve known her she’s wanted to be a mom about as much as me (it’s one of those things we always had in common – lol!). She is going to be an absolutely stellar mommy, of that I have no doubt. So, how could I possibly feel “bad” about my ex being pregnant? Like I said, she’s my best friend. Hell, I was the first person that she told that she was pregnant. I think it’s about the coolest thing ever. Well, maybe the second coolest thing ever – cooler will be when I’m bringing my baby home from the hospital. 🙂

I’m not sure what else I can say about the day. It was amazing to see my ex’s little brother and niece, as it always is. We roasted marshmallows by the fire last night, and just had tons of fun talking. Being back in my ex-in-laws’ house was a little strange after three years, but they were wonderful and made me feel incredibly welcome. I think the house looked great (of course, I did supply most of the decorations), and the food was awesome. I hope my ex thought the shower was nice, because I thought it was really lovely, and she deserves the best.

Will I wake up tomorrow feeling powerless in the face of my infertility? Will I sob on my boyfriend’s shoulder tonight as I tell him how much I want a baby? Will I rant and rave at the unfairness of having been born without a uterus again in the near future? Maybe. But I won’t for one second fail to celebrate my ex’s pregnancy and childbirth. I can hold both of those realities just fine.

What an absolutely amazing day.

My ex is having a baby!

Hooray!

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