Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Archive for December, 2009

New Year’s Eve Eve

The Darling Boyfriend and I went to a fancy-do in Washington, D.C. last night, and it was pretty super-awesome.

We had thought of going out on New Year’s Eve in Boston, but his little nephew’s birthday is on New Year’s Day, so we’re staying in Maryland for the birthday party. I still wanted to go out somewhere and dress up swell, so his friend found us this event hosted by the Washington Film Institute. It was sort of a party and a film exhibit and a chance to shmooze and dance and drink.

The Darling Boyfriend’s friend ended up not coming with us, so it was just the two of us. We went in, got a drink, looked at the photographic exhibit, watched some of the short films, and then found a couch off in a corner and just chatted amongst ourselves for nearly two hours. It was one of those moments when we were in a place full of people and yet we were the only two people in the world. It was incredible. We chatted about lots of stuff. The conversation turned very heavy at several points, and I had an amazing time.

We were sitting in such a way that the lights from the Christmas tree were sparkling in the Darling Boyfriend’s glasses, and it looked like he had stars in his eyes. It was really cute.

After a while we decided that we had enough of socializing with ourselves in a roomful of beautiful people, so we called his friend and a friend of mine who is visiting family in the area for the holidays as well. We all converged on Tastee Diner for another three hours of socializing and food and fun. We had a ball. The Darling Boyfriend described that Tastee Diner as not the type of place you go to for the food, or the service, or the atmosphere, but I actually think the atmosphere is kind of fun. It’s very much a neighborhood diner; you can tell the place oozes history. I’m sure countless other folks have shared conversations well into the night at the Tastee Diner.

We finally headed out at about 4:00 AM, after being well fed and watered, and having had wonderful and diverse conversation. Bewteen the fancy-do, and the diner hang, it was an awesome night.

Meeting the Family [part 2]

Here I am in Maryland, about to go to bed after meeting most of the Darling Boyfriend’s family. They’re lovely. I walked in and was greeted with hugs and felt right at home. We chatted a lot, and I got to know each member of his family a little bit. We ate Chinese food for dinner, and just had an overall wonderful time.

I love meeting people’s families, because I love seeing the context that a person grew up with. I always think it explains a lot. It was very true with today. Seeing the Darling Boyfriend interact with his family (and they with him) gave me even more insight into who this man is.

Yea, it was a pretty freakin’ good day.



It’s kinda weird when people who used to be really close (~really~ close) disappear from my life. I used to think the disappearance was easier to take than the change in the relationship, but I don’t think so anymore. Now when someone has been really close to my heart, they kind of always are, and it’s weird when the contact ends even though the love and care don’t.

Feh, just thinking out loud.

I’ll give the strongest example. When my ex and I were in the process of our divorce, I needed some space. If I had any contact with her at all it hurt too much, because it reminded me of what we had before, and the loss was too much to bear.


Once I calmed down a bit, and regained some perspective (and developed some perspective that I had never had before), not having her in my life just felt incredibly awful. My world felt like it was missing a star from the sky without her presence. I’m thankful very often that we were both able to realize how important we are to each other and be in each others lives again. She was there when I had my SRS in Colorado, and I was there when she had her baby. We’re pretty much super-best-friends, and I truly hope we always will be.

It isn’t always that way, though. Sometimes damaged relationships become fractured relationships, and then eventually I suppose they stop being relationships altogether.

There are lots of people I’ve lost through the years. Sometimes it was because of a contentious disagreement, other times it seems like it was more from neglect from one or both parties. There have been times when it’s been a romantic interest that has gone their own way, and times when it’s been a friend, and times when it’s been a colleague.

There are several people right now that aren’t in my life that used to be that I think about at least fairly often. There’s the girl that just turned 21 this past summer – whom I haven’t seen since she was two. There’s the friend from school that I used to have lunch with every week – and haven’t even exchanged a peep with in over a year. There’s the lovely people from my old support group – who mostly disappeared when I left the group. There’s that guy who was the perfect guy for the perfect time – who was there and now is gone. There’s the lady who ventured to Colorado to be there for me – but now doesn’t want anything to do with me. There’s that singer whose music I used to get high from performing – who called me the worst name you can call a woman. There’s that lady whose house I used to visit pretty regularly – who stopped having time for a social life.

There’s lots more, too, these are just the ones that hurt the most, that come to mind right now. I’m not accusing anyone but myself in these relationships falling to the point of estrangement. It doesn’t really matter to me why these people disappeared from my life; I miss them.

And I think that’s why I get more and more careful about the people I love. I hate losing people, in any way that I could lose someone. I mean it when I say that my friends and family are the stars in my sky. It’s sad when stars flicker and fade.

[Yes, I know that it happens sometimes, for any of a myriad of reasons, and that it’s part of life, but it’s still sad.]

Back to Life … Back to Reality …

[with thanks to Soul II Soul]

I’ve noticed something lately: I’m a drummer again. This might seem odd, as I often say, I’ve always been a drummer. It’s probably true to say that there never was a time when I wasn’t a drummer. I’ll never forget that when I told one of the other teachers at the store where I teach that I’d be undergoing treatment for transsexualism that he said that he hoped it was okay that he’d still think of me as a drummer first (um, yes, it’s okay!). But for the last couple of years I’ve had split priorities. Transition is like that.

I’ve mentioned a few times how draining of a process transition has been for me. One of the things that I often do is minimize that process. I remained in denial even as I entered the process, then I thought it was “mostly done” once I had gotten a few months past the date when I started presenting full time as myself, then I saw SRS as one more loose-end to tie-up, then I figured surely that after surgery I could stop thinking so damned much about it. I always felt like I was right on the verge of the whole process being behind me, only to realize that I was still very much in the thick of it.

I’m certainly not one of those that think that transition is a never-ending process. Life goes on, but eventually you arrive. I have been surprised, though, by the fact that it started before I realized and that it stretched longer than I expected. I suppose I feel like I’m in the winding-down stage now. But it won’t surprise me if there’s one or two last hurrahs left.

With all that said, it seems like my life is starting to be my life again. I’m not focused on transition, or the future, or surgery, or my health, or the way the world sees me. I’m just living. That first gig with Hypaspace last week (my first drum set gig in ten months [!]) really seems to have driven the point home. I’m thinking about drumming in a way I haven’t been able to in years. I’m excited about music in a way that is just super-refreshing.

I have another gig with Hypaspace tonight, and I am very excited. The break from playing has certainly made me hungry to play. Anyway, it’s nice to feel like I’m getting back to my life; I’ve had my focus diverted for too long.

Back to life …

Back to reality …

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