Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Back to Life … Back to Reality …

[with thanks to Soul II Soul]

I’ve noticed something lately: I’m a drummer again. This might seem odd, as I often say, I’ve always been a drummer. It’s probably true to say that there never was a time when I wasn’t a drummer. I’ll never forget that when I told one of the other teachers at the store where I teach that I’d be undergoing treatment for transsexualism that he said that he hoped it was okay that he’d still think of me as a drummer first (um, yes, it’s okay!). But for the last couple of years I’ve had split priorities. Transition is like that.

I’ve mentioned a few times how draining of a process transition has been for me. One of the things that I often do is minimize that process. I remained in denial even as I entered the process, then I thought it was “mostly done” once I had gotten a few months past the date when I started presenting full time as myself, then I saw SRS as one more loose-end to tie-up, then I figured surely that after surgery I could stop thinking so damned much about it. I always felt like I was right on the verge of the whole process being behind me, only to realize that I was still very much in the thick of it.

I’m certainly not one of those that think that transition is a never-ending process. Life goes on, but eventually you arrive. I have been surprised, though, by the fact that it started before I realized and that it stretched longer than I expected. I suppose I feel like I’m in the winding-down stage now. But it won’t surprise me if there’s one or two last hurrahs left.

With all that said, it seems like my life is starting to be my life again. I’m not focused on transition, or the future, or surgery, or my health, or the way the world sees me. I’m just living. That first gig with Hypaspace last week (my first drum set gig in ten months [!]) really seems to have driven the point home. I’m thinking about drumming in a way I haven’t been able to in years. I’m excited about music in a way that is just super-refreshing.

I have another gig with Hypaspace tonight, and I am very excited. The break from playing has certainly made me hungry to play. Anyway, it’s nice to feel like I’m getting back to my life; I’ve had my focus diverted for too long.

Back to life …

Back to reality …

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2 Comments»

  Christianne wrote @

I’ve had kind of an opposite reaction. Transition has focused me on art in a way that I haven’t been focused in years. In part, this comes form the self-confidence the process has given me, a self-confidence I never had as a man, part of it is that the process of transition has tripped some of the creative switches in my brain.

I don’t know if that makes any sense.

You’re a pretty rocking drummer, by the way. I mean, seriously.

  pickypenelope wrote @

Well, the thing is, before this whole merry ride started, the only thing I felt remotely positive about when it came to my self-worth was my drumming. Now the drumming is just part of what makes me a valuable and special person.

But I do take your point. It’s hard to be confident living the wrong life.

And thanks about the drumming. 😉


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