Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.


It’s kinda weird when people who used to be really close (~really~ close) disappear from my life. I used to think the disappearance was easier to take than the change in the relationship, but I don’t think so anymore. Now when someone has been really close to my heart, they kind of always are, and it’s weird when the contact ends even though the love and care don’t.

Feh, just thinking out loud.

I’ll give the strongest example. When my ex and I were in the process of our divorce, I needed some space. If I had any contact with her at all it hurt too much, because it reminded me of what we had before, and the loss was too much to bear.


Once I calmed down a bit, and regained some perspective (and developed some perspective that I had never had before), not having her in my life just felt incredibly awful. My world felt like it was missing a star from the sky without her presence. I’m thankful very often that we were both able to realize how important we are to each other and be in each others lives again. She was there when I had my SRS in Colorado, and I was there when she had her baby. We’re pretty much super-best-friends, and I truly hope we always will be.

It isn’t always that way, though. Sometimes damaged relationships become fractured relationships, and then eventually I suppose they stop being relationships altogether.

There are lots of people I’ve lost through the years. Sometimes it was because of a contentious disagreement, other times it seems like it was more from neglect from one or both parties. There have been times when it’s been a romantic interest that has gone their own way, and times when it’s been a friend, and times when it’s been a colleague.

There are several people right now that aren’t in my life that used to be that I think about at least fairly often. There’s the girl that just turned 21 this past summer – whom I haven’t seen since she was two. There’s the friend from school that I used to have lunch with every week – and haven’t even exchanged a peep with in over a year. There’s the lovely people from my old support group – who mostly disappeared when I left the group. There’s that guy who was the perfect guy for the perfect time – who was there and now is gone. There’s the lady who ventured to Colorado to be there for me – but now doesn’t want anything to do with me. There’s that singer whose music I used to get high from performing – who called me the worst name you can call a woman. There’s that lady whose house I used to visit pretty regularly – who stopped having time for a social life.

There’s lots more, too, these are just the ones that hurt the most, that come to mind right now. I’m not accusing anyone but myself in these relationships falling to the point of estrangement. It doesn’t really matter to me why these people disappeared from my life; I miss them.

And I think that’s why I get more and more careful about the people I love. I hate losing people, in any way that I could lose someone. I mean it when I say that my friends and family are the stars in my sky. It’s sad when stars flicker and fade.

[Yes, I know that it happens sometimes, for any of a myriad of reasons, and that it’s part of life, but it’s still sad.]


  Anonymous-T-Girl wrote @

“And I think that’s why I get more and more careful about the people I love.”

Hivemind, friend-wise.

i had a really bad experience online that hurt. When coupled with the erratic nature of interaction on the net, mixed with politics…which is sad. As long as i’m not betrayed, i can be friends with someone i disagree with politically.

The unreal nature of the computer world tends to compartmentalize things.

‘This is my athiest friend’. ‘This is my gun friend’. ‘This is my baby lust friend’. This is my gamer friend’.

Each broken down into something specific you can relate to. It’s made a bit weirder for me, because i’ve noticed a sort of response where people communicate as if they already know me from my blog.

But they don’t get that in return, because i don’t really know them.

It’s become all but impossible for me to really trust somebody in full, until i meet them in person.

My intuition never lies.

  pickypenelope wrote @

Right. I pretty much don’t think I ~really~ know anyone online that I haven’t met IRL. Heck, some people I’ve known for a long time IRL I still don’t really ~know~.

All of the people I’ve been missing are people who were very big parts of my non-online life.

I don’t think I’ve had an online friend that has felt totally real. But who knows…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: