Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Outing to the Darling Boyfriend’s Mom – part 2

So, I’m out. Or, I guess, we’re out.

I suppose it went well, but I’m painfully aware of why so many folks with trans histories keep that to themselves and never tell anyone. The questions about growing up “as a boy” and such are just really painful. I was never a boy. I was never a guy. I was never a man. Lots of people, myself included, mistook me for those things, but I never was any of those things. But explaining that is really Trans 201 (or perhaps even 301), and so when outing to someone with not much experience dealing with trans folk, questions and assumptions like that come up. And some of them did.

We went for a bike ride with the Darling Boyfriend’s mom, and while we were sitting by the beautiful water view, we made our move. Somehow we started talking about sports. I mentioned that I played baseball and basketball – the “tomboy” sorts of sports. The Darling Boyfriend said that at the time I may not have been thought of as a tomboy. He paused, and we exchanged a look, my look basically conveyed, “Go for it.”

And oh he did.

So out he comes with, “You see, Penny was born with ambiguous genitalia.”

Wow. Really? He went right to the genitals? Wow.

Yep, ~that’s~ my boyfriend.

I curled up in a ball (as much as I could sitting on a bench), but his mom was really sweet. She patted my leg and said something about family secrets. We went through the whole thing. That I transitioned about four years ago. That I had a surgery when I was 3. That I was married to a woman. That I went to an all-boys Catholic High School. That my friends were all beautiful and lovely during my transition.

She said, “So when you were little, you were a little drummer boy.”


I hate that.

She also kept saying that it was very interesting. I ~hate~ being interesting because of this.

I’m not mad at her or anything for the few statements like that. She was actually incredibly lovely and understanding. We sat on the bench and chatted for quite a while. The Darling Boyfriend’s father actually went to high school with someone who went on to become one of the first “big famous” transsexuals, which was really ironic (no, I’m not saying who it was). It’s just really tiring to deal with stuff like that. It brings me back to the time when people ~did~ think I was a boy. It’s just pretty painful to remember and face. But seriously, his mom was lovely. The Darling Boyfriend’s impression was that it went as well as it could have. I guess that I’d say that I agree with that assessment.

So, our plan is to have her spread it to the rest of the family. We haven’t asked her yet, and I’m not sure how she’ll feel about being enlisted in the outing process. I think she’ll be fine.

So, I’m out to his mom, and it seems like all is well. Yay.


  Angel wrote @

It can be scary, I know. I was horrified when I learned that Jack’s ex-wife and a so-called friend had outed me to his entire family. An amazing thing happened though… they had already come to love me and accept me as a member of the family, and this revelation of my past didn’t change anything.

I’m sure it will be the same for you. 🙂

  Véronique wrote @

It does sound as though it went as well as it could have. Your BF’s mother would be pretty extraordinary if she had her trans facts down already. Hopefully she’ll get it more fully as time goes on.

  pickypenelope wrote @

And she’s 78!

  lisalee18wheeler wrote @


  Jennifer wrote @

Glad things went so well with disclosing to her, at the time. That’s always a great feeling. 🙂

  Wendy wrote @

I’m so happy for you! {hugs}

  SA-ET wrote @

I suppose I have only one question. Why would you want to out yourself to anyone, particularly your boyfriend’s mother? And then, hope she spreads it to the rest of the family?

What do you hope to accomplish? Or even more basic, why do you feel a need to out yourself at all?

  pickypenelope wrote @

I suppose that the short answer is: Nikki Araguz ( It’s not like my past is all that hard to find. I have a credit record, public performances, and friends and family from my past that will always follow me. If someone wants to discover my history, it’s not difficult. I choose to be in charge of that by being open about my history.

I’m very ~not~ ashamed or embarrassed by it, so I see no particular reason to keep it hush-hush. I’ve never been good with the things “we just don’t talk about.” I talk about everything, and I guess this falls in that category.

I like being able to be honest when talking about my past, specifically about my ex-wife. It is important to me that the people I know well are familiar with my details; that’s just the way I’ve always been. I wear my heart, and my story, on my sleeve.

It’s just what works for me. I very much understand that it’s not a decision that works for everyone, and I support the myriad diverse ways that people choose to live their lives, whether or not that involves any sort of trans issues.

  Aria Blue wrote @

I think your work with the children is just wonderful, and goodness knows that there are so few people out there willing and able to really make a difference. We have to hope that things improve in the future as far as finding all the kids who need that kind of help, I’m sure many are missed.

I hope you keep an open mind about “stealth”, a misnomer if there ever was one. At some point the whole subject ceases to be important and it just doesn’t come up anymore. Even if you continue to stay involved with the kids, your *own* transition issues will fade away as you gain more separation between the past and your life now.

What stealth really means is that you are being exactly who you are, it isn’t hiding anything. It’s not the big scary thing that everyone makes it out to be. It just life happening, and problems fading away. Even your perspective on your ex and the relationships that remain from the past shift, and are not the impediment that others, usually pre- or in- transition people, make them out to be. There are limits to what your life can sustain in this sense, and I’m sure you will discover your tolerance level.

It’s really good to see you come out of all this so happy and positive. You are an example for others. 🙂

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