Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

Archive for July 12, 2009

Learning on the Beach

My brain is busy enough and fragmented enough that I can be making out with a guy on the beach with jazz music playing in the background having a pretty nice time, and still be thinking and processing. I’m complicated, what can I say?

So, anyway, yea, two first dates with two new guys in the last two days. I’m not gonna blab too much (for a change) other than to say they both went well, and I think if either of them asked me out again I’d probably go out with each of them.

But what’s most interesting is how helpful going out with guys is in helping me figure out what I really want and what is truly important to me.

Already I’ve met guys whom I have a lot in common with, and can have fun with. I know it’s silly, but every time I find myself single, I worry about ever finding someone that will be special again. I don’t think I’ve found the next special person yet (I usually know ~very~ quickly who’ll be special), but I’ve done it several times in the past, so it’s important for me to remember that it’ll happen again.

I don’t think I’m over my recent breakup; though I’m not sure exactly what that means, because I’m not certain that I’m over my divorce. I think I could be open to meeting a new special man, but until then I won’t be surprised if I pine a bit over the last special man.

So, thoughts:

I am super-excitable. If I fall for someone I will be overwhelming. The day after I met my last boyfriend I told my mom that I had “met my husband.” I was excited, and even though we never did end up getting married, I stand by that statement. I don’t think I would ever want to date someone who in the first few days I couldn’t picture being married to. Yes, I’m impulsive, and I make snap decisions, but it’s more than that – it’s about potential. If I can’t picture myself potentially married to someone, why would I want to waste any time with them?

I believe in love. Strongly. Passionately. Fully. I’ve been burned by love more than once, yet I remain as innocently sure that love is pure magic as I’ve ever been. Love is all there is, and I mean that in the best way possible. When I am in love with someone I will give them every last ounce of my soul. Just that very fact might be too much for some people to handle (I think it was too much for my last boyfriend, honestly), but I have no interest in loving any other way.

I need to be able to have fun with someone before my heart will become the slightest bit interested. There must be a playful ease in pretty much every type of communication, from being able to be very jokey to being very natural physically. I think this might be the most important component, actually. If you aren’t having fun together, why the hell would you be together?

My first dance at my wedding was “All I Ask of You” from Phantom of the Opera. The premise of the song is “love me, that’s all I ask of you.” I think the line from the song that most describes what I believe about love is this: “Anywhere you go let me go too.” The reason I broke up with my last boyfriend is that he wouldn’t let me go where he was (that’s it in a nutshell, I wanted to be with him, and he didn’t want me to be). If I love someone I will want to be with them – a lot, and I need someone who will feel the same way. Pretty much whatever it takes, within a certain amount of reason, to be together is what I will do, and is what I require in return.

I’ve realized that how someone smells has become extremely important to me. I’m not sure if it’s really more important than it used to be, although it does feel that way. My sense of smell seems to have gotten more sensitive in the last few years, and I really notice how people smell nowadays. I can still smell people days later, so it’s clear why appreciating someones aroma would be important.

I’m pretty flexible in terms of physical appearance. Eyes and eye contact are very important. Teeth must be reasonable (one of my few deal-breakers is gross teeth). I really prefer people who displace more mass than I do; taller than me is super-awesome, but “bigger” than me is bordering on essential. That seems like it (see, I told you it was pretty flexible).

Life gives you what it will. I thought I would be married forever, and I certainly thought my last relationship would last much longer than it did. But both of those relationships ended, and other relationships I’ve been involved in have ended, and I still believe in being open for the new loves that will come into my life. I learned a long time ago: no guarantees. I’d like to get married again and I’d love to have at least one child, but life doesn’t really care what you want, you take what you get and you run with it and cherish it, because you only get about a hundred years (if you’re lucky), and that’s not very much time to waste not being engaged in your life.

I’m learning that I like folks that are at least a little aggressive physically. I’m pretty passionate, and I’d like to feel like my partner is as into it as I am, perhaps even more so. Sex isn’t the most important thing in the world to me, but it is the thing that sets a “lover” relationship apart from other relationships. So, yea, I’m horny, and sex is important. So sue me.

I’m feeling better about myself all the way around, which is really nice. I’ve had enough time in my life feeling like crap, I’m tired of it.

As a student of mine once said: “Growth is frustrating.”

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