Penny's Story

A cute little drummer living her dream.

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What does one do with a potential uterus?

I’ve been keeping myself from thinking all that much about the possibility that I have a uterus. First off, I guess I’m still skeptical that it is, in fact, a uterus. It’s stretches credulity to believe that I would have a uterus and no one would notice that fact until now. And yet, the only CT scan I’ve ever had on my pelvis says that I have a uterus, and the tech may have said that it didn’t look completely like a normal uterus, but they also said it didn’t look like male anatomy.

So, I’ve been purposely keeping myself from dwelling too much on it. I even just mentioned to the Darling Boyfriend that I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to refer to it as “my uterus.” I feel disconnected from my body at the moment in a way that’s unusual for me nowadays. How can I talk about, or even think about “my uterus?” Do I have that right? I don’t know. It’s funny, when people express doubt that I might have a uterus, I get defensive, almost as if they’re trying to take something from me. But when people act like it’s a good thing that I have a uterus, I’m equally ambivalent.

Weird.

And the reason I’m being so ambivalent was articulated by a friend last night. We talked about my test and the results and all that. And she basically said that I should have it hooked up to my vagina and throw an embryo up there and see what happens.

Would that it were so easy.

Of course this is something that I would give my right arm for. But even if I do have a uterus, I can’t see any way in which it would be physically useful to me. This is the tease. This is the thing that I can’t let myself think. I can’t let myself get caught thinking that this potential uterus is a path to pregnancy. That’s what I’ve been afraid to think about. I know me, and I know my potential to get caught up in useless thought-loops. I’m really trying hard to not let that happen with this news.

Who knows? Maybe it is possible. Maybe in a couple years I’ll have a baby in my belly. I’m very skeptical at the potential, and in this moment I think that’s the right attitude to have. What I mean is that anything is possible, and I will ask the question of doctors, but I’m not expecting to be pregnant in six months (or ever, really).

But damn, why couldn’t I have had a test when I was 20 that mentioned a uterus?

So, I think I’m still pretty detached from the news. I don’t want to let myself get caught up in it. Indeed, if my friend hadn’t said what she said last night I probably wouldn’t be writing about it again now.

But she voiced my heart’s most desperate wish, and I guess those deserve to be voiced.

(I just now went and searched for uterus and prostate CT scans on Google images, and they look sorta different – seems like an expert should be able to tell the difference. This was the first time I’ve done this since my doctor appointment last week, which surprises me. I’d have thought it would be the first thing I’d do, but I guess I just couldn’t do it immediately. It was informative, I guess. Maybe now I’ll request a copy of my scan for myself so I can have a peek. Maybe the only way to know for sure is for someone to go cutting around in there, and unless they’re gluing an embryo in there on their way out that ain’t happening.)

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Ultrasound Update

So, I haven’t had tons of time, but I felt like that last post needed some sort of closure. So, I saw my doc for the follow-up to hear the results from the ultrasound. Essentially, they didn’t find anything “unusual.” The way the report was worded, I could just ~feel~ that what it said was: “normal ~male~ innards.” It didn’t, of course, but it said “40 year old individual” in a way that made me feel neutered in a way that I’m not used to. But, so, whatever, no ovary, no fallopian tube, no uterus. Barren. Closed playground. Worthless.

What else would there have been to find? At best there would have been dried up or malformed bits that certainly would never have produced a child anyway. So maybe this is better. I’m honestly not sure.

A friend suggests I insist on an MRI, as it might offer an image with better resolution. I’m not sure if I have the energy. Every step I take to try to find the answers to the mysteries of my youth is extremely draining. I do still have the sort of unexplained pain/cramps that I’ve had since I was ten years old, so further exploration may be justified.

I am going to see an endocrinologist, which, amazingly enough, I’ve managed to never have done before. Maybe they’ll have some answers. I dunno.

It’s pretty annoying feeling so defeated and so hopeless, but lately that seems to be all I can muster.

Ultra Sound

Looks kinda cool as two words, doesn’t it?

Ultra Sound.

Might make a neat band name or CD title.

Huh.

Anyway, I had an ultrasound today. It was pretty tough emotionally in lots of ways. This was because I have some intermittent pelvic pain and cramping that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. This is the first step in trying to figure out why.

I had to confront the surgery I had when I was three. I recently found out that the records of that surgery have been destroyed (it was 37 years ago), so any answers we may find will be from what my body can tell us.

The hospital where I had the procedure done still had an “M” for my gender marker (I had been there a long time ago). That was pretty annoying.

It’s so strange, I sort of don’t want there to be anything found, but of course, it came out this morning when I was talking with the Darling Boyfriend and I said, “Well, of course what I want them to find is an ovary with fresh eggs.”

I’ve always dreamed impossible dreams.

And then was the worst part, which in my stress about other things hadn’t even dawned on me. Sometimes I am so oblivious. It didn’t even hit me until she had the sensor thingy on my tummy, and I could see the little half-circle picture of the ultrasound on the screen.

And I suddenly realized what so many women get to see when they have ultrasounds on their tummies:

…their baby…

Hostessing My Ex’s Baby Shower

So, today was my ex’s baby shower. She’s due toward the end of November. As you might imagine, it was a very interesting day. I am exhausted, but I wanted to write while so much is still fresh in my mind.

First off – ~*WOW*~ I.Want.A.Baby.

There were three babies there, and they were all absolutely adorable. I got to hold my ex’s nephew for quite a while, who is about four months old, and even fed him twice. My very first girlfriend, way back when I was 18, had a one month-old when we started dating. We were together for about seven or eight months. I changed more diapers than she did, and I was the one most often relegated to middle-of-the-night duty. I’m out of practice, but wow holding a baby is just about the most incredible thing there is. I’m aware of the messy and sleepless parts of the process, and God I miss it. Feeding my ex’s nephew just reinforced in my head how special all those little people are (as if I needed to be reminded). I would give anything, ~anything~, to have a baby of my own. If I could trade my drumming for a baby, I wouldn’t even think twice. Anything.

It was great to see my ex-mother-in-law. She and I had a really nice talk and it was amazing to interact with her as a not-depressed person. I haven’t seen her in over three years, and talking with her just made it so clear how much I’ve changed. We were talking about before my transition, when my ex and I were still together, and she said that she knew I was a very confused person (yea, to put it mildly!). I’ve been wanting to see her for a while now, because I always thought she was cool, and I missed her, so it was great to see her. [My ex-mother-in-law has the distinction of being the first person to ~really~ realize that I needed to take hormones and fully transition. It’s sort of ironic, that…]

So, yea, my ex is having a baby. And it’s awesome. I’m trying hard to see the other side, and feel the sadness at the fact that she and I never had kids together as well as how sort of front-and-center my best friend’s pregnancy sort of forces me to consider my own infertility. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m exhausted, or I’m lost in the joy of the day, or because I’m smart enough to realize that it’s probably just as well that my ex and I didn’t have kids together (it only would have ~really~ complicated the divorce – even though I’m not saying it’s not a “loss,” if my ex and I had managed to have  kids, they would have been an amazing blend of genes and would have kicked serious ass), and I also seem to be able to really ~get~, at this moment, that just because my best friend is about to have a baby, that doesn’t mean that I won’t have a baby at some point.

Am I jealous?

Well, d’uh, right?

And yet, I’m also about as happy for her as I could be for anybody. As long as I’ve known her she’s wanted to be a mom about as much as me (it’s one of those things we always had in common – lol!). She is going to be an absolutely stellar mommy, of that I have no doubt. So, how could I possibly feel “bad” about my ex being pregnant? Like I said, she’s my best friend. Hell, I was the first person that she told that she was pregnant. I think it’s about the coolest thing ever. Well, maybe the second coolest thing ever – cooler will be when I’m bringing my baby home from the hospital. 🙂

I’m not sure what else I can say about the day. It was amazing to see my ex’s little brother and niece, as it always is. We roasted marshmallows by the fire last night, and just had tons of fun talking. Being back in my ex-in-laws’ house was a little strange after three years, but they were wonderful and made me feel incredibly welcome. I think the house looked great (of course, I did supply most of the decorations), and the food was awesome. I hope my ex thought the shower was nice, because I thought it was really lovely, and she deserves the best.

Will I wake up tomorrow feeling powerless in the face of my infertility? Will I sob on my boyfriend’s shoulder tonight as I tell him how much I want a baby? Will I rant and rave at the unfairness of having been born without a uterus again in the near future? Maybe. But I won’t for one second fail to celebrate my ex’s pregnancy and childbirth. I can hold both of those realities just fine.

What an absolutely amazing day.

My ex is having a baby!

Hooray!

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