I feel like I now have to process a loss for something I didn’t think I had until four weeks ago. I feel like I’ve been sucker punched.
I emailed my surgeon about the report saying that my “uterus … is within normal limits.” She said that I don’t have a uterus. She essentially said that unless she mentioned it at the time there wasn’t anything that she noticed as worth noting about my body. Which, I suppose, is kinda weird. Not, “there’s nothing in the notes” or, “your chart shows…” Just, “If I didn’t mention it, there’s nothing there.” It felt maddeningly vague in the way that I always feel doctors talk to me about my body. She also made a heartless joke about the (lack of) possibility of me menstruating, which made the whole conversation really frustrating. She also said some things that I believe to be patently false, so while I believe her generally about my body, it does make me wonder about her opinions of intersex conditions in general.
I got home from a vacation today to find the initial report that started this whole thing waiting for me, with this addendum:
“Initially what was thought to be a uterus, actually is non-specific soft tissue in the rectovesical space, which could be a Mullerian duct remnant. No well defined full-size uterus is seen.”
Dammit.
I frickin’ knew it.
A month ago I had no inkling that I had a uterus. Why would I? When I saw the initial report from my CT scan I was bowled over. I was given something that I hadn’t been seeking, that has now been yanked back. I really am quite tired of doctors messing with my feelings, whether intentional or not.
I tried really hard for the last few weeks to stay detached from the possibility that I might have a uterus. I honestly felt it seemed like too big of a discrepancy. I had this sneaking suspicion that it was just another way that doctors were, intentionally or not, messing with my head. But of course I sort of built up some emotion around the idea. I began wondering about “my uterus” and such. This hurts, and I’m not even sure why. It’s not like a uterus with nowhere to go would do me any good anyway.
But dammit, how can I feel like something I never had was taken away from me?
And still, the answer always seems to come back to: “Well, there’s something weird about your body, we just don’t know what the heck it is.”
Gee. Thanks.
I guess I just feel like my dealings with doctors in the last few weeks has sort of gone like this:
“Hey Penny, guess what?”
“What?”
“You have a uterus.”
“I do? Wow. Cool. I guess. Maybe. Weird. But cool, sure. Definitely cool for some inexplicable reason.”
“Hey Penny, you know, about your uterus?”
“Yea?”
“Psych!”
Penny's Story 
Well, shit. Would’ve been nice.
I still think it’s interesting that someone would “read” it that way, and that they’re not denying that something is there, they just “read” it another way now. Human bodies are interesting stuff, and it’s even more interesting how much “biological fact” is interpretation.